The Random Life
NEIRAD enilno edition
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A s I waltz through life, I hear some pretty interesting things. Here are just a few of my favorites:
Waiting for a bus in downtown Minneapolis, I see a disheveled and possibly deranged man with an enormous duffle bag sidling down the sidewalk, stopping to bellow "Are you going to the library?!" at each and every person in turn. Most ignore him until he moves on, but some - out of compulsive politeness, or because they have somehow mistaken this raving for a sincere query - begin to reply "No, I'm waiting for my -" at which point the man cuts them short with an impassioned and spittle-intensive "GO TO THE LIBRARY!!!"
I was in an elevator with a half a dozen others. As the doors started to close a woman sprinted towards us, yelling "wait!" I was closest to the control panel, so I started jabbing the "Open Door" button, but to no avail: the doors slid shut unabated. Our last glimpse of the woman was of her running, reaching out, desperately trying to catch the edge of the door. I turned to the other people in the car and flashed them a "well, I tried!" smile. As we started moving, I glanced down and noticed that I had been pressing the "Close Door" button by mistake. A moment later it occurred to me that everyone in the elevator had watched me frantically press the "Close Door" button as the woman had tried to board, and then grin about her failure to make it in time.
This is why I now take the stairs as often as possible.
I was walking down the hall, completely alone except for two guys who were 20 or so feet in front of me. Another girl walked out of a classroom in front of the guys and then back into another one farther down the hall. This is what ensued :
Guy 1: "Nice butt." Guy 2: "Thanks, I try." I have to commend Guy 2 for taking a compliment that wasn't aimed at him with such grace and poise.On the bus one afternoon, my iPod ran out of batteries. I cursed the heavens and then realized that there was much better entertainment unfolding right in front of me. Some boys were having a political discussion about Iraq. As soon as I took my headphones out of my ears, a boy who didn't seem to talk much piped up:
"I heard that soon in, uh, Iraq, you know, we're gonna drop so many bombs in three days that no, no one is, is never, nobody is never, none, no one is never [inhales] so many bombs that no, no, no one is never going, never, no one is never going to mess with the U.S. again."You should have seen the looks of awe on the other boys' faces.
While shopping at Shaw's, I heard this gem: Girl: "So I'm finally going to tell that guy that I like him."
Father: "What guy?" Girl: "That really hot dude that took me to the prom." Father: "Oh, ok, good." Girl: "But it's going to be really weird because this guy could have any woman he wants." Father: "Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don't let him leave." What great advice!I was walking through Times Square and saw a girl very animatedly talking on her cell phone. Apparently tragedy had recently struck her: "Man, I can't believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin' to dump me! He was all, 'Yeah, we're over.' I was like, 'What you talkin' about?' Then he was all, 'I'm taking you off my Top 8.' What transpired next is why I love New York. A suited man walked by and pretended to be genuinely interested: "He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no."
