APRIL FOOLS EDITION:
Sobering News for Depot Dances
NEIRAD enilno edition
Last week a major decision was made regarding the fun-filled Depot dances. From now on, there will be breathalyzers at the entrance. This will change the dynamic of the dances, as many people may not even show up. A senior Harius Hajd is extremely disappointed by this. “This is an outrage. Even though I’ve never actually been allowed into the dance, now I am not even given a chance to get in. I have never been so disappointed in my life,” said Hajd.
Getting into the dances now promises to be a very intense and long process. Each person wanting to go into the dance will go through a screening gauntlet of three police officers, two dogs, and a detective. “This is so exciting for me to do, I can’t wait to get started,” said an unnamed new police officer. “Breathalyzing school dances is definitely going to be the highlight of my job here. I live for busting high school kids who have been drinking. That is our favorite thing to do here so we will be very good at the new assignment.” The Depot is hoping officers’ excitement will further energize the crowd.
To build even more anticipation at the entrance, bags, and even students’ pockets, will be checked. Students will not be allowed to bring anything in to dances unless it’s a blow up doll to help create the appearance that there’s a crowd at the Depot, as students may not be patient enough to stand in line with the new policy in place. Some students are concerned about not being able to bring in their own refreshments. “How am I supposed to bring in my bottles of water for when I am getting my dance on?” senior Hiroshi Miki said. “This is my one chance to show the ladies my moves and now I will not be able to. This is ruining my chances. I guess I will have to stick with Patricia, my doll.”
However, the Depot is hoping that the new policies will still bring in the large crowds that it has drawn in in the past. In prior years, Depot dances were usually very crowded and some people were even turned away from the door if they did not have an advanced ticket. “Last dance I was not allowed in because of the over crowdedness. But I think they were just not letting me in because I would make the Depot look bad because I’m just a lame freshman,” ninth grader Cyrus “Windshield” Wyper said. “With the new breathalyzing policy I might just be the life of the party. I’m so excited to show the ladies what I got,” Cyrus said.
Along with the breathalyzer policy, Depot officials have also implemented some other incentives to encourage student attendance. At each dance there will be a promotion giving out free garbage bags to draw in the crowds. “Everyone needs garbage bags, so why not give them out for free to rack up the attendance? It is a very good idea to bring in the money,” an unnamed member of the Depot board said. The board promises that Depot dances will be filled with excitement and a lot of fun and they are looking forward to the student body to arrive in droves.
