Mrs. Bennett has entertained the idea of hiring a large male assistant to help with a lot of dirty work. She is currently in the interview process. Prospects for this position include Ronnie of the Jersey Shore and NFL line backer Ray Lewis. One of Mrs. Bennett’s closest student friends, Senior Sack Zerwood, commented saying, “I am pleased to hear the prospective applicants for the job, I plan on becoming good friends with Ronnie if he gets the position.
Unfortunately for students, the job description for Mrs. Bennett’s assistant position includes body tackling, detainment, and backpack hurling. The assistant’s other responsibility is to find kids that have not returned books and make sure they come back to the library where they will then be pelted with said book, one time for each number of days it was late. We’ll have to wait and see what other tasks she asks of, but no matter what they are, she will attempt to succeed in instilling fright among the DHS community.
Another way in which Mrs. Bennett will utilize her Black and Decker tools is to uninstall every other light in the library. She felt the need to play her part in reducing the Darien High School budget, and took that responsibility to heart. However, the motivation for this is not what it seems. The administration is under the impression that Bennett is reducing the budget, but some students realize that this attempt to reduce visibility is an attempt to veil the crude mistreatment of students in the library. Others in the DHS community are pleased. One studious DHS junior said, “I’m glad that Ms. Bennett is reprimanding those students that cause trouble in the library, so I can actually get some work done”.
The last and perhaps the most dangerous rule that Mrs. Bennett is planning on implementing will help reduce noise level in the library. Over April break Mrs. Bennett is hiring a staff that will install electrical currents through all of the chairs in the library, the wires of which will be hardwired through the tables and will be centralized at Mrs. Bennett’s desk. She will now have the power to shock students as soon as their voice level rises slightly above audible. “I am scared of this new rule because I have been told that I have a loud mouth,” said Samy Amborn, visibly nervous.
Though these new policies seem harsh, Mrs. Bennett and many students feel that they are absolutely essential to the smooth operation of the DHS library. Thank god that one of the only remaining environments of life and energy has been tamed and brought back to its supposed purpose, academia. However only time will tell if all students will accept these new rules or whether these changes will instead provoke a revolution.
.
Bennett's Battlefield
Head librarian introduces radical new library policies
APRIL FOOLS EDITION:
- 11/04
More by Parker Lange
The Darien High School Library is one institution which is constantly changing. One of the most notable changes occurred this past year when beloved librarian Jennifer Cirino departed from the high school faculty. Cirino, library information specialist, opted to leave her position at Darien to take the position of Chief of Babysitting and Library Dismissal at Westport’s Staples High School. Although many students were distraught by this change, students turned to embrace the loving and nurturing approach of Library Coordinator Jackie Bennett for comfort.
To their shocking surprise, Mrs. Bennett pushed their emotional needs aside, tossing backpacks and not allowing students to express their feelings via drawings and engravings on library tables.
Emotionally exhausted and lost over the departure of Cirino, students gained a sense of comfort in easing their mind through the educational website Sporcle. However, just as soon as students found this sense of comfort, it was taken away by the tyrannical Mrs. Bennett.
However as time went on, students began to view Mrs. Bennett’s dictator-like tone in a positive light. Her policies have been met with approval by students who seek to change the library into the kind of environment in which work can be completed in peace. Seniors will most likely be kicked out, and fun will not exist; the library will finally function as it is intended to.
The first and most important change on the mind of the librarians has to do with limiting the amount of games that students play in the library. Students typically break this policy in order to relieve stress; they want to just sit down and play a good old game of Dolphin Olympics. However, it seems that the library staff is oblivious to the unhealthy amounts of pressure put on students by the school system. In light of this, Mrs. Bennett and her team have planned to install security cameras called “evil eyes in the sky” that watch every computer and record all student activity throughout the day. Each day, afterschool, the librarians will review the tape of the security cameras and catch all students guilty of playing games. If they spot a rule breaker, the student will be forced into signing a personal labor contract to work as Ms. Bennett’s slave for one week. Finally those guilty of misusing the computers will have consequences, and overwhelming stress leading to chaos will prevail. What a blessing.
The library staff is pushing even more drastic measures to prevent fun and friendly conversation in the library. Mrs. Bennett displayed her tough personality when she brought in her Black and Decker Power Tools and personally bolted all of the chairs into the ground. She is under the impression that this will prevent students from seating more than four students at a table, but she is underestimating the creativity of DHS students, who, at the reluctance of many academically focused students, will find a way to continue seating more than four at a table.
