APRIL FOOLS EDITION:
New Graduation Requirement
NEIRAD enilno edition
"As a result of the NEASC evaluation, Darien High School will finally get its long-awaited swimming pool," announced Principal Han Daron at a recent faculty meeting.
Apparently, Core Value and Belief number eight was accidentally left off the posters due to a printing error. Number eight should have read:
"DHS students will: demonstrate an understanding of the breast, back, and butterfly strokes."
This requirement was added due to the proximity of Darien to Long Island Sound, which frequently experiences tidal surges of up to 20 centimeters.
Tarj Marfone, DHS swim coach, is excited to train her team in our own backyard. Literally.
Plans were swiftly approved by the zoning commission and construction has already begun.
The pool will be located on DHS Field #2, behind the track where the throwers for the track teams usually practice their skills.
"This should improve our times for the 400 IM relay as a result of the swimmers having to dodge javelins, shotputs, and misthrown discuses," said swim captain Tindsay Lyler. "At least until the dome is built over the pool."
As a result of this construction project, further cuts in the school budget will have to be made.
"Pool noodles don't come cheap, but fortunately uncertified teachers do," said Ronna Dusso, assistant principal. "Furthermore, toilets will be programmed to be flushed only on periods 2, 4, and 8 on A, C, and F days. Hopefully this will free up additional water for the pool."
Tree-huggers will rejoice, for the plan includes using water fountain "run-off". When asked what constitutes "run-off" from a water fountain, director of facilities, Some Guy's Name We Didn't Have Time to Make Up, said, "Run-off is any water not consumed during a drinking session at a fountain." Neirad asked for further clarification, SGNWDHTMU said, "Drippings."
